new news network feature stories BUSH OVERRULES COURTS, GIVES SCOOTER LIBBY "GET OUT OF JAIL FREE" CARD; TELLS WEARY NATION "YOUR OUTRAGE OVER PARIS HILTON TRAGEDY SENT ME A CLEAR MESSAGE: JAILTIME FOR RICH PEOPLE IS WRONG" PRESIDENT FENDS OFF CRITICS BY POINTING OUT LIBBY MUST STILL PAY HUGE FINE, WHICH CHENEY WON'T REIMBURSE HIM FOR UNTIL 2009 "Pardon me, but this ain't no pardon," quipped the head of the Execu-Judicial Branch. "I told you before, I am the decider, and I decided the courts decided wrong here. So I fixed the ruling. A small rewrite. It's not like I'm pardoning Nixon here. We may be losing another war but that doesn't make this 1974." Bush added that "Libby still has a quarter mil to pony up, which Dick and I can't really help him out with until we get outta Dodge in 18 months. That's a serious loss of interest, folks. Moneywise, and attentionwise." The President also pointed out that there is now a felony on Libby's record, which "will force Libby to be irresistable to chicks, since chicks love bad boys." MARK BURNETT SELLS NEW REALITY SHOW, "THE SURVIVOR APPRENTICE FIFTH-GRADER" "I am not repeating myself," insisted Burnett. "Everyone talks about convergence, but I went and did it. We're combining the best of Survivor, The Apprentice and Are You Smarter Than A Fifth Grader into a must-TiVo hit. And you will watch it, because good shows on Discovery Channel and PBS kill brain cells. Seriously. I read it." Other networks are scrambling to counterprogram against the new surefire hit, ordering shows like "King of Queens of the Stone Age," "Soprano You Think You Can Dance" and "How I Met Your Mother The Car." DON IMUS BANNED FROM BLACK BROTHEL FOR CALLING THEIR GIRLS "NAPPY HEADED HOS" "We ain't no nappy headed hos," chanted the messy-haired prostitutes. "We are professional lovemakers who happen to enjoy an extremely lax hairstyle," added Madam Natalie "Nappy" Hoe, author of the new bestseller, "The Nappy Hooker." HOUSE, SENATE PASS WAR FUNDING BILL FOR "OPERATION DON'T DESERT STORM TROOPERS" Bush hails new bill name as "much better" than Democrats' original title, "Operation Unwinnable Iraq Cluster Fuq" The House and Senate passed a $120 billion war-spending bill that keeps the flak-jacket festivities funded, and resolves the battle over the name of the bill. Democrats had wanted to include a timetable to bring troops home, with their bill "Operation Can't You See This Is Another Vietnam." Bush and the GOP vigorously opposed this language, offering the compromise "Operation Mission Accomplished 2." The Dems proposed a third name, "Operation Stop Screwing Our Kids And Environment Over A Hopeless Civil War That's None Of Our Business." The GOP countered with "Operation God Shall Smite Thee If Ye Keep Stalling." The Dems then tried "Operation Atheist Angst, " prompting the GOP retort, "Operation Onward Christian Soldiers." Finally, all agreed a Star Wars 30th anniversary tie-in would be best, in the hopes of getting some free stamps. The war-funding bill now goes before the President, who is expected to sign it while laughing loudly and uncontrollably with his head cocked back, while computer-simulated images of homeless kids fighting for food with polar bears in the year 2037 plays in the background, sources said.
The Senate vote was 80 to 14, with 6 absent due to being at home counting their pay raises. The billions allocated by the new bill will fund military operations through September, or next Tuesday, whichever comes first. WOLFOWITZ EXITS WORLD BANK DUE TO SCANDAL; ACCEPTS NEW JOB AND RAISE ARRANGED BY GIRLFRIEND BUSH REITERATES "IRAQ WAR IS GOING WELL" AND "WE MUST STAY THE COURSE" THEMES IN SPEECH TO FLAT EARTH SOCIETY In a lavish ceremony, the President is awarded an Honorary Bachelors from the esteemed organization, founded by Christopher Columbus's crazy uncle. GORE ANNOUNCES PLANS TO BE CARBON NEUTRAL BY 2050 SCIENTISTS DEBATE WHETHER HE CAN DO IT The ex-V.P., saying he was inspired and humbled by the nation of Norway's pledge to become carbon neutral by 2050, said he hopes to achieve his drastic decarbonization by driving less, playing his Xbox more, and "eliminating as much hot air from my speeches as humanly possible" over the next 43 years. TO ATTRACT YOUNGER FANS, NOBEL COMMITTEE CHANGES NAME OF ANNUAL PRIZE CEREMONY TO "NOBELAPALOOZA" HILLARY CLINTON VISITS ALASKA, POSES WITH POLAR BEAR TO SYMBOLIZE HER POLARIZING EFFECT ON VOTERS BEACHED WHALE GETS GREAT TAN, "HAVING A WHALE OF A TIME" "NEVER LOOKED BETTER" SAY FRIENDS DEMOCRATS CONTINUE SEARCH FOR PRESIDENTIAL HOLY GRAIL: FEMALE "BLACKTINO" CANDIDATE DNC head Howard Dean expressed optimism, saying "We are on the right track, diversity wise -- I mean, look, we have a black man, a woman and a Latino running," referring to Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton and New Mexico Governor Bill Richardson. "But we can do better. Why can't we combine all these traits in one person? Is that so hard in America?" He then showed an ad he sent to outlets across the U.S.: "Wanted - Black Latina to Run for President, preferably Jewish. Lesbian if possible. If you fit the bill, call me. Howard." Dean explained it is all part of his new 2008 "All Of US" strategy "to energize and squeeze out the votes from every single weird wild wavelength of the wide Democratic rainbow coalition. It's so crazy, it just might work." OBAMA ENTERS RACE, SAYS RACE WILL NOT BE ISSUE IN RACE Barack Obama, Senator from Illinois, gave an eloquent speech to launch his campaign, invoking Lincoln. "Wouldn't it be something if I became President, seven score and four years after another great man from this state, as President, freed the slaves. I'm just sayin'." The candidate was then asked to comment on Michael Richards' angry diatribe to black hecklers. Obama (whose great great grandparents were, coincidentally, owned by Richards' great great grandparents) then laughed, responding that "if it were up to me, I would lynch the mofo myself. Is this on?" PAUL SIMON TRAVELS TO TIBET TO FIND RHYME FOR ORANGE Simon's son tells dad best rhyme so far is "door hinge"  The legendary singer-songwriter and co-founder of pop duo Simon and Garfunkel (the Simon half) announced he has begun the third great segment of his life: travelling to Tibet to find the long-theorized mythical rhyme for the word "orange." In a statement, Rhymin' Simon said "the me and Garfinkel stuff was my first phase, Graceland was my second, and now comes whatever I'm in now. I'm feelin' groovy." Simon's agent, Shifty Lood, said he was "a bit miffed" that his client left the Western world behind so suddenly, but reflected that "it's simple -- Simon must rhyme, and this orange thing has bugged him for ages, so I wish him well. And I wish he'd write some more songs. Baby needs a new set of shoes." Simon's news release stated that his research has led him to three prime rhyme candidates so far: "door hinge," "whore binge" and "sore cringe." ONLINE CHATTER'S F2F DATE GOES HORRIBLY WRONG; "NOTHING LIKE HIS PHOTO," WOMAN INSISTS 
NEW NATIONWIDE SURVEY PROVES ALL SURVEYS ARE INACCURATE
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| | the LAte list: cancelled tv shows Justin City Limits Lohan Lowdown Clip/Suck Queer Ear for the Bi Guy America's Next Top Modern Art Critic What Would Jesus Wear Farts are Frickin' Funny American Yodel The World's Most Famous Harrisons Pastarama The Star Wars, Star Trek and Star Jones Club The World's Funniest Commercial Real Estate hollywood headlines ROSIE SECEDES FROM UNION TALK SHOW HOST SAYS U.S. "JUST DOESN'T SEEM TO WANT FAT UNFUNNY OVER THE HILL LESBOS ANYMORE" COURT TV COURTS PRISON REALITY SHOW "LINDSAY LOCKDOWN"
Series, starring Lohan and Paris sharing posh prison digs, features drop-ins by Nicole Richie, Kimberly Stewart, Perez Hilton and Pink Dot. Ads confirmed include spots from Hilton Hotels, Disney and DUI Be Gone. BOMBSHELL: TMZ REVEALS AMY WINEHOUSE'S REAL NAME IS AMY MILKTRUCK "SNAKES ON A PLANE" DIRECTOR TO DO SEQUEL, "SNAKES ON A TRAIN THAT CAN'T STOP FOR SOME REASON" MICHAEL JACKSON RELEASES SCATHING ATTACK ON PRESS; "I AM NOT A JACKO, JIDIOT OR JRACKPOT, I'M A JUMAN JEING," SAYS JACKO DICK VAN DYKE ADMITS EXISTENCE OF UNTALENTED BROTHER VINNIE PRODUCERS OF "SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE" SELL SPIKE SPINOFF, "SO YOU THINK YOU CAN LIGHTEN UP ON THE MAKEUP A LITTLE YOU WHORE"
LEONARD COHEN, DYLAN WIN TOP HONORS AT FIRST ANNUAL UNATTRACTIVE JEWISH MUSICIAN AWARDS MICHAEL RICHARDS APOLOGIZES TO BARACK OBAMA FOR SAYING HE LIKES HIS COFFEE BLACK 70's TV CRIME DRAMA "IRONSYDE" - ABOUT DEAF, DUMB, BLIND, DISABLED DETECTIVE WHO TRIPS CRIMINALS WITH HIS CANE - GETS CANNED BY TV LAND PRODUCERS OF "SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE" SELL SPINOFF "SO YOU THINK YOU CAN CLIMB MT. EVEREST" NASA NOW ADMITS IT NOT ONLY LOST ORIGINAL TAPES OF FIRST MOON LANDING, IT ACCIDENTALLY TAPED OVER FIRST EAGLES REUNION (more>>) PICARD, RIKER, DATA GO AWOL FROM "STAR TREK," STEAL CAR, TAKE JOYRIDE; PARAMOUNT "CONCERNED"  In a totally unauthorized move, the characters of "Star Trek: The Next Generation" have used an alien technology (allowing fictional beings to enter our reality) to beam themselves onto the streets of Los Angeles circa today. Paramount spokesperson Linda Tribble said that "we are concerned, yes, but all signs say this is just a simple blowing off of steam." Others disagree; the net is full of reports citing looting, joyriding, and "joystunning" of innocent bystanders with phasers.
POLL REVEALS MOST COMMON NIGHTMARE CELEBS EXPERIENCE: HAVING AN EYE FLOATER THAN LOOKS LIKE CHARACTER ACTOR BRIAN DENNEHY 
TRUMP, HEADY FROM SUCCESS OF "APPRENTICE," LAUNCHES SPINOFF "SLEEPOVER IN MY COMBOVER" THE DONALD's new show follows 12 wannabe ubermodels vying for a lucrative contract while living in luxury within Trump's pompadour viral video DOG EATS GORILLA MAN SURVIVES 38 MILE FALL RAPPER BITES TONGUE BY ACCIDENT on this day in 1973 ELO SCORES FIRST HIT IN U.S. WITH SINGLE, "I'M TELLING YOU, WE'RE NOT THE BEATLES" on this day in 1964 BEATLEMANIA CONQUERS HUMAN CIVILIZATION POPE DONS BEATLE WIG AT MASS, BOB HOPE ORDERS WRITERS TO MAKE PUNCHLINES 'MOPTOP-CENTRIC', LBJ INSISTS WHITE HOUSE PRESS CORPS CALL HIM 'RINGO' past headlines MICHAEL RICHARDS MEETS WITH HECKLERS HE CALLED N-WORD TO APOLOGIZE FOR PAIN, SUFFERING; WILL MEET HEAD OF NAT'L HECKLERS UNION FOR NEXT APOLOGY ESTATES OF RICHARD PRYOR AND LENNY BRUCE APOLOGIZE TO HECKLERS FOR USE OF N-WORD IN PAST COMEDY; WILL ALTER MASTER TAPES, REPLACING ALL N-WORDS WITH PHRASE "AMERICAN OF AFRICAN DESCENT" JESSE JACKSON CALLS ON U.N. TO BAN WORD "N-WORD" SINCE EVERYONE KNOWS WHAT IT REALLY MEANS REV. AL SHARPTON DEMANDS GLOBAL BAN ON PHRASE "MASTER TAPES" AS IT REMINDS PEOPLE OF SLAVERY RICHARDS APOLOGIZES TO NATIONAL SOUP COUNCIL FOR USE OF TERM "SOUP NAZI" IN SEINFELD EPISODE SCIENTISTS SAY RICHARDS FIRESTORM IS "GODSEND," NOW HAVE IDEAL TEST CASE TO PROVE "EVEN BAD PUBLICITY IS GOOD PUBLICITY" THEORY RICHARDS-HECKLER SETTLEMENT ANNOUNCED; COMIC ACTOR WILL PAY $1 MILLION PER HECKLER, GET 10 MORE HECKLES AT FUTURE DATE, APOLOGIZE TO 10 AFRICAN AMERICANS A DAY RICHARDS AND MEL GIBSON ANNOUNCE PLAN TO MEND FENCES AND HEAL NATION'S PAIN BY FORMING NEW PRODUCTION COMPANY, "KINDER KREATIVE KORPORATION" OJ WAY NOT OK; OUTRAGE KILLS SIMPSON SHOW, "IF I DID IT: HOW I MAY HAVE, POSSIBLY, HYPOTHETICALLY, NOT THAT I DID, BUT ABSOLUTELY 100% ALLEGEDLY KILLED MY BITCH AND HER CHUMP " "KFED", STATION DEVOTED ENTIRELY TO TALKING ABOUT KEVIN FEDERLINE'S MUSIC AND LIFE, SETS WORLD RECORD RATINGS LOW; WILL BE REPLACED BY 24-HOUR SCREECH SEX TAPE CHANNEL SIMPSON SIGNED TO NEW FOX SHOW, "IF I COULDA DID IT"; SERIES FEATURES OJ ON HOW HE WOULD HAVE KILLED FAMOUS KILLERS IN HISTORY, INCLUDING HIMSELF, HYPOTHETICALLY SPEAKING MAN USES RARE PRICELESS STAMP ON ABSENTEE BALLOT; NOW HAVING SECOND THOUGHTS ABOUT PLAYING FETCH WITH BABE RUTH 714TH HOMERUN BALL ARNOLD APOLOGIZES TO CALIFORNIA FOR RACIST REMARKS ABOUT "HOT" OFFICIAL, BUT POINTS OUT "AT LEAST I NEVER CALLED HER SUGARTITS" AS PART OF U.N. MIDEAST PEACE DEAL, MEL GIBSON ENROLLS IN RECOVERY GROUP FOR ANTISEMITE ALCOHOLICS, "ISR-AL-ANON"; HEZBOLLAH ENROLLS IN "LEB ANON" OWEN WILSON AGREES TO "DUPREE" SPREE; WILL DO SEQUELS "YOU, ME AND DEACON BLUE" & "THAT STEELY DAN SONG WITH THE BITCHIN SOLO" weather: 7 day forecast today - SUNNY tomorrow - SUNNY day 3 - SUNNY day 4 - SUNNY day 5 - HURRICANE, SLEET, SNOW day 6 - SUNNY day 7 - SUNNY
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